Six Inches of Glory: A Quasi-Serial Adventure
by Charles Joseph
Hey All! Welcome to week 3 of Six Inches of Glory: A Quasi-Serial Adventure. I’m Charles Joseph, the man, the myth, the Quasi-legend, and this week’s installment is about:
Whole Foods: and why I believe they’re a catalyst for the downfall of western civilization as we know it.
You know, look—I get it, people want to live longer; the body’s a temple; you are what you eat; clean living is good living; and all of the preservatives and chemicals that a myriad of scumbag chemists have created for a myriad of scumbag companies to use in their products are totally fucking bad for me.
But every time I step through the doors of a Whole Foods Market, I can’t help but wonder if everyone around me is an android that’s been planted by a group of nihilistic, high-powered executives to drag me deeper and deeper into the health food craze that’s swept the nation like a black plague of false fuckin’ optimism, so they can suck every cent out of my bank account quicker than you can say:
“The wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings. Let food be your medicine and medicine be your food.” — Hippocrates
Yup, that’s right, I just quoted Hippocrates, a guy who’s been dead since 370 B.C. But as you can see, clean eating isn’t a new trend at all. However, nowadays, a whole host of companies like Whole Foods frame their products so we’ll hopefully believe that everything you need to avoid an early grave can only be found in their stores.
Of course, business is business. So, I can’t blame Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s or whatever other warm fuzzy company that’s out there ejaculating their well-crafted marketing propaganda into our ears, so they can empty our pockets and turn a profit. Because in the end, they’re not there as a public service, they’re there to make money.
But to say that they’re not all completely full of shit, just like all of the other companies out there trying to brainwash us into becoming slaves to their bottom line, is just plain F-F-A (false fucking advertising).
So, with that said, here comes a bit of information that can help foil their plans of world domination, because monopolies piss me off:
“You don’t have to cook fancy or complicated masterpieces – just good food from fresh ingredients.” – Julia Child
Look—it doesn’t matter where you buy your groceries, if it’s in a can it’s bad for you; if it tastes good it’s bad for you; if you don’t make it yourself it’s most likely bad for you; anything in excess is bad for you; organic is better for you than non-organic, but it’s expensive as fuck; meat is bad; gluten is bad; hormones are bad; butter, fat, oil— all fucking bad; GMO’s? Who the fuck knows? The jury’s still out…
So, ok, here’s the deal:
“Living forever is overrated, dying young is a sin, but tryin’ to predict your ending is a game you just can’t win.”—Charles Joseph
Hey, look—the best way toward a somewhat healthy diet is to a) learn how to cook, b) avoid eating what’s obviously bad for you, and c) use good old Julia’s advice. Because nine times out of ten, if you follow that type of mantra and eat portions that aren’t fit for manatees or woolly mammoths, in the long run, you’ll be just fine. No need to panic.
So relax Whole Foods, we got the fucking memo, ok?
Anyway, that’s all for now boys and girls. Thanks to all of you who liked and shared last week’s installment. Please feel free to keep doing what you’re doing, because without likes and shares there’s a good chance the powers that be will pull the plug on this thing post haste.
Oh yeah, tune in next week where I’ll be discussing why all political candidates should wear bright green t-shirts with big question marks on them, because they’re all fucking jokers in disguise.
Later on, and I hope you enjoyed my six inches.
P.S.— Good night Julia Child, wherever you are.