Dear Future Voters,
Last week I announced my candidacy for President of the United States. I have received a shocking lack of attention from the media. I can only see this as yet more evidence of media bias, weighted against outsider candidates like myself. The only real coverage was from a local FOX affiliate who attempted to provide my campaign with its first slogan: Feel the Dumb. I have to admit, that one stung a little.
I am prepared for the onslaught of insults, however, and pledge to wage political war (or any other kind of war that may become necessary) all the way to the convention. The convention is where I see my greatest chance of victory. You see, and I may be tipping my hand a bit, there is a little known rule that says the following:
“All delegates are required to cast their ballots in accordance with Section A, Page 3, Paragraph 2, Line 19, as long as this vote does not contradict the general and specific guidelines put forth in Section D, Page 394, Paragraph 32, Line 99, and is contingent upon all rules voted on by a super majority of delegates from the presidential elections of 1976, 1980, 1992, and 2000. All other votes in prior, subsequent, and intervening election years may only be considered valid in terms of current voting if the candidate in question remains qualified per the specifications in Section Z-23, Page 894, Paragraph 9,928, Line 111,111,111.”
It’s a little confusing, but as far as I can tell, I am guaranteed the nomination for my party as long as I can provide proof that I am not a serial killer. But what is this thing called proof, really? Is it really possible to prove a negative? Heh. Heh. Don’t worry, it’ll work itself out. I made sure all of my vic, er, those people had no immediate family, so the odds of anyone coming forward is quite remote.
I promised last week to lay out my platform and I am a man of my word (unless my word leads to something crazy, like an FBI investigation).
IMMIGRATION: The first thing I plan to do is make sure our country’s borders are secure. This begins with building a massive wall around the entire country. It will be called Curmudgeon Wall. Why is this necessary? Because that’s what I want to name it, you dildo. Oh, I get what you mean. Well, in case you didn’t know, the number of people renouncing their citizenship is at an all-time high. This simply cannot be allowed. I intend to plug up the holes in our borders to keep all these traitors from skipping the country and going to some loser country that promises equality and responsible government, not to mention free health care and education. We’ll keep letting people come into the country, of course, because I have a lot of jobs around my place that I, as an American, simply cannot be bothered to do. I have standards, you know.
OUR MILITARY: If you listen to some of the other candidates, you’ll hear them complain that our military is the smallest it has been since before World War II. Actually, they’re all complaining about that, but some want it larger and some want it smaller. I say a resounding “yes” to both ideas. I want it both bigger and smaller. How is this possible, you ask? Well, this is why I am the one running for president and you are the one pulling that voting booth lever two or three or four times. And hanging chads be damned! I’ll give those precincts a hanging chad, alright, right up their—excuse me. I promised my wife and kids I’d start acting more presidential. (I get a hall pass on Twitter.) My solution for the military is to implement a draft, but I will only be drafting the unemployed. This will swell the ranks of our military personnel rolls tremendously, but it won’t matter, because I won’t be giving any of them weapons. So, there you have it. Not only will this solution solve unemployment, but still assures we will be taken over by a rogue nation if war ever breaks out. It’s a win-win!
That’s all for me this week. Check back next time, when we should have the first round of polling data available. I anticipate having a strong lead. Don’t let me down. Or you might find yourself missing…if you have no immediate family, that is.
The Premature Curmudgeon, aka Absolutely Not A Serial Killer
Craig A. Hart writes shit. Sometimes it’s less shitty. Sometimes he thinks it might be good shit. He is the stay-at-home father of twin boys, has served as editor-in-chief for The Rusty Nail literary magazine and as manager for Sweatshoppe Media. He is the host of the Raw Writing Podcast. He lives in Iowa City with his wife, sons, and two cats. You can visit his personal website at: craigahart.com.