I write to you from my sick bed, my fingers almost too weak to hold the pen. For the last 24 hours, I have been battling an illness so insidious I can only assume it has come from the secret bio labs of my political opponents. Clearly, they are frightened by the threat my candidacy poses to their pursuit of power and decided that poisoning me is the only alternative. I am recovering, but it was a tough fight. Hovering between life and death, I had many delirious ideas. I even briefly considered expanding my platform to bring attention to the country’s growing cheese shortage and changing my campaign slogan to Make America Grate Again. Fortunately, my fever broke before I put that idea into action.
Last week I promised to have new polling data for you and, because I am a curmudgeon of my word, I come with said data in hand. I also said that I expected to command a healthy lead in the polls. I did NOT, however, define “healthy.” Keep that in mind as you read the following numbers:
The biased media sleazeballs are attempting to spin this information, saying it heralds the end of my campaign. But you, my fine voters, are smarter than that. Having such a deceptively low ranking makes me invisible to my opponents, allowing me to engage in political guerilla warfare. Unobserved, I will slowly gain strength until one day you will wake up to find a poll much like the following:
You can count it it, friends. But why waste time? It is assured and so we might as well go ahead and work with this second, futuristically-accurate poll. Therefore, I am pleased to announce that I am receiving eighty percent of the vote, with a mere twenty percent (the criminally insane and indigent among us) going to my opponents.
I am also thrilled to announce that I have received the endorsement of the original curmudgeon himself, Don Rickles*. Accompanying this article, you can see the 100% authentic, absolutely-not-edited picture of myself and Don Rickles,** taken at a recent political rally*** where he gave me his support****.
Besides announcing the endorsement of Don Rickles*****, I have been putting together my shortlist of vice-presidential candidates. It is as follows:
This is a list still very much in progress, so let me know if you have any good candidates just lying around the house. Well, that does it for me this week. I’ll be back next Monday with more curmudgeonly musings. Until then, vote early, vote often, eat lots of cheese, and remember that I’ve been endorsed by Don Rickles******.
Craig A. Hart writes shit. Sometimes it’s less shitty. Sometimes he thinks it might be good shit. He is the stay-at-home father of twin boys, has served as editor-in-chief for The Rusty Nail literary magazine and as manager for Sweatshoppe Media. He is the host of the Raw Writing Podcast. He lives in Iowa City with his wife, sons, and two cats. You can visit his personal website at: craigahart.com.