Film Essay: Short Need Not Mean Small by David Boyle
July 31, 2016
Fire Find by Jeremy Spears|#thesideshow
August 1, 2016

Musings of a Premature Curmudgeon #10 A New Battle Plan

Craig A. Hart

A New Battle Plan

Greetings, minions!

Well, the poll numbers just refuse to budge. I am still trapped in the low single digits. By which I mean single digits of a single point, like .001 or some shit like that. I’m no mathematician, but those don’t seem like good odds to me. If my fucking numbers drop any lower, I will be in the negatives. This means that not only will no one vote for me, but they will be having children for the sole purpose of voting for the other candidates. I suppose I could feel good about increasing the rate of sexual intercourse, but with the planet facing a population crisis, I’m having a difficult time taking much pleasure in this accomplishment, especially after I finished jerking off while thinking about it.

I have since come to the conclusion that it is time to take off the gloves. By which I mean telling horrible lies about my political opponents. I am a generally honest fellow. The few times I have stolen shit were because I was hungry. For example, I once wanted some Big Macs and only had enough money for one. What could I do but rob a pawn shop of a gun, go to McDonald’s, and threaten to shoot the knees of the manager unless he gave me all the Big Macs I wanted? I really had no choice. Also, I never lie unless I absolutely have to in order to avoid jail time. I don’t even break the speed limit, because if I ever get pulled over, the cop will find out about all those outstanding warrants. So you see, I’m an upstanding citizen with nothing to hide.

But I also want to win.

So I’ve decided to take the low road. Again, left with no option. It’s not my fault. And, so, let the lies commence! I’m relying on you to spread these lies until they turn into viral rumors that impact the election cycle and turn it to my favor.

  1. Candidate Rump once fucked a rhinoceros on his private jet and then pushed it off the plane so it couldn’t rat him out to his wife, Melanie. The plummeting rhino fell onto an orphanage and killed all the children.
  1. Candidate Winton used to run a bootlegging operation in her basement, where she bottled and sold a fermented juice made from the saliva of the South American sea slug. A lot of children died after drinking this Satan brew. A LOT of children.
  1. Candidate Rump’s first act as president will be to issue an executive order requiring all U.S. citizens to join a hate group. And if a group doesn’t exist that hates the faction you wish to hate, you will be required to establish one. And you won’t be able to hate just a little bit, either. You’ll have to really hate. Like, throw-a-bag-of-flaming-shit-on-their-porch-and- ring-their-doorbell hate. You’ll get extra points if you hate children.
  1. Candidate Winton wants to reissue uniforms to all members of the Armed Forces. These uniforms will be designed from a fabric decorated with bullseyes so as to make it easier for enemy combatants to aim, thereby making any future military engagements more fair and equitable. And any soldier returning safely from the battlefield will be required to shoot themselves.

There. This ought to work for now. Hopefully these small little falsehoods will find their way into the consciousness of the electorate and turn them in my direction. Here are some positive lies to tell your voting friends about me.

  1. Candidate Curmudgeon once sold his testicles to raise money for a Vietnamese orphanage after a rhino fell on it.
  1. Candidate Curmudgeon believes all people have the right to send him money whenever and however they want, whether they can afford it or not, and no matter what hostile government they are affiliated with. He stands against this type of senseless discrimination! He will even accept money from children.
  1. Candidate Curmudgeon wants all Americans to have access to healthcare. He also believes that having to obtain a medical license in order to practice medicine is discriminatory and that everyone who wishes to be an M.D. should have that privilege, especially children. This is a key part of his plan to expand the availability of medical coverage. Why pay through the nasal passages to see a “real” doctor when you can just run downtown and pay a low-cost visit to Uncle Lenny for that simple little surgery? Like, fucking duh.
  1. Candidate Curmudgeon believes that everyone should be given citizenship if they desire it. His plan to stem the tide of illegal immigration is to make life in the United States so undesirable that no one will want to sneak in. Problem solved.

Spread these little nuggets around and I have no doubt that my poll numbers will shoot right through the goddamn roof.

Thank you, my faithful supporter. (I love you, Jerry!)

Craig A. Hart Craig A. Hart writes shit. Sometimes it’s less shitty. Sometimes he thinks it might be good shit. He is the stay-at-home father of twin boys, has served as editor-in-chief for The Rusty Nail literary magazine and as manager for Sweatshoppe Media. He is the host of the Raw Writing Podcast. He lives in Iowa City with his wife, sons, and two cats. You can visit his personal website at: