DISQUALIFICATIONS BY VICTORIA STEFFES

Ann E. Feinlady

Disqualifications: Top reasons never to hire, date or say hi to me

PROFESSIONAL INEXPERIENCE

• Unreasonable arrival time to work in the absence of scheduled commitments
• Crippling self-doubt about future prospects
• Starts but never finishes reading essential textbooks
• Caught in perpetual battle against imposter syndrome
• Rarely achieves 40 hours of what I’m actually paid for each week
• Interdisciplinary expertise (i.e. no deep mastery of any one specific field)
• Discredits boss’ praise as exaggerated, out-of-touch and unfounded
• Overshares inappropriate details of personal life with coworkers

INTERPERSONAL CHALLENGES

• Dislikes when other people do it their way
• Stingy with eye-contact
• Doesn’t take compliments well
• Should give more compliments
• Has small social network causing vulnerability to disruptions therein
• Strongly favors one parent AND it’s no secret
• Doesn’t ask enough questions to demonstrate genuine interest
• Passion for squeezing out any and every pimple, regardless of ownership
• Allergic to most customs and formalities
• Avoids conflict and demonstrates poor communication skills, especially with romantic partners
• Uncomfortable directing bedroom activities
• ^ More selfish than giving
• ^^ Maybe just lazy
• Unlikely to ever have a Relationship with a capital ‘R’
• Emotionally resigned to inevitable spinster status
• As of yet, has failed to procure even a single cat

ENVIRONMENTAL HYPOCRISY

• Compulsive shopper
• Has too many things
• Drives a car despite (easy and free) access to the bus
• Amazon Prime

PERSONAL DEFICIENCIES

• Only brushes teeth once per day, except for extreme cases of garlic breath and hangovers
• Drinks too much (alone)
• Compulsively posts on social media when feeling insecure (when drinking)
• Prone to blacking out
• Disposes of plucked eyebrow hairs onto shared bathroom mirror
• Wants to keep a journal, never keeps a journal
• Has slept with (too) many people (she doesn’t know) (or like) (or want to sleep with)
• Technically skilled at making art but will never be an artist
• Above a certain threshold intensity, all emotions escape as uncontrolled eye leaking
• Anemic
• Unable to speak about feelings; relies on non-verbal sounds, telepathy and text messaging
• Incorrectly believes doors are locked with uncommon frequency
• Lacks the characteristic warmth of Leos, has replaced it with aloofness
• Should be in therapy, but isn’t
• Relishes in flaws

Victoria Steffes is a graduate student in biochemistry at UC Santa Barbara who has fortunately never suffered from any form of self-doubt or insecurity and is expected to finally complete her PhD someday soon.