FIVE POEMS BY BRIAN ALAN ELLIS

Arachnophobia is when you go out of your way to avoid people because you think they’re spiders, right?

 

I just met you

and this is crazy

but the only chill thing

about going camping

would be to wander around

in a fit of psychic terror

while step­ping on

body-filled sleeping bags.

 

 

Every day is bad for a different reason (and for the same reasons)

 

My mind

is like a car door that is

constantly being opened

then slammed shut:

loud

repetitive

annoying

makes no sense

possibly broken.

 

 

Ode to all the depressed single dads out there who force their kids to take selfies with them outside of des­ignated drop-off spots

 

In many ways,

this guy I know’s Facebook rant

about a $700 Samsung TV he ordered

off the Internet

that didn’t work

is 1000000x sadder

than the 2000 Lars von Trier film

Dancer in the Dark.

 

 

How I apologize to whoever I drank heavily with the night before

 

Sorry

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I

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Made

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You

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Listen

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To

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All

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That

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Emo

 

 

I may or may not be the Windows 95 of useless trivia knowledge

 

My biggest talent is sitting alone

in the corner of the bar and

correctly answering

the group of people nearby

who are arguing about

what the name of the artist

and/or song

currently being played on the jukebox is,

and then letting them use my lighter.

 

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BRIAN ALAN ELLIS runs House of Vlad Productions, and is the author of three novellas, three short-story collections, two books of humorous non-fiction (Sad Laughter is forthcoming from Civil Coping Mechanisms Press), and Something to Do with Self-Hate, a novel. His writing has appeared at Juked, Hobart, Monkeybicycle, Electric Literature, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Funhouse, Heavy Feather Review, Talking Book, and Queen Mob’s Tea House, among other places. He lives in Florida, and tweets sad and clever things at both @brianalanellis and @HouseofVlad.