Arachnophobia is when you go out of your way to avoid people because you think they’re spiders, right?
I just met you
and this is crazy
but the only chill thing
about going camping
would be to wander around
in a fit of psychic terror
while stepping on
body-filled sleeping bags.
Every day is bad for a different reason (and for the same reasons)
is like a car door that is
constantly being opened
then slammed shut:
makes no sense
Ode to all the depressed single dads out there who force their kids to take selfies with them outside of designated drop-off spots
In many ways,
this guy I know’s Facebook rant
about a $700 Samsung TV he ordered
off the Internet
that didn’t work
is 1000000x sadder
than the 2000 Lars von Trier film
Dancer in the Dark.
How I apologize to whoever I drank heavily with the night before
I may or may not be the Windows 95 of useless trivia knowledge
My biggest talent is sitting alone
in the corner of the bar and
the group of people nearby
who are arguing about
what the name of the artist
currently being played on the jukebox is,
and then letting them use my lighter.
BRIAN ALAN ELLIS runs House of Vlad Productions, and is the author of three novellas, three short-story collections, two books of humorous non-fiction (Sad Laughter is forthcoming from Civil Coping Mechanisms Press), and Something to Do with Self-Hate, a novel. His writing has appeared at Juked, Hobart, Monkeybicycle, Electric Literature, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Funhouse, Heavy Feather Review, Talking Book, and Queen Mob’s Tea House, among other places. He lives in Florida, and tweets sad and clever things at both @brianalanellis and @HouseofVlad.