How to Get Over Someone You Love in Ten Easy Steps
Scream your eyes out. Cry into a wall. Studies show heartbroken brains explode later on.
If you are the sort of dummy who needs a human, consider ignoring your feelings.
Fixate on every little thing. Buy yourself spirits. Purchase cocaine. Get yourself into debt. Research shows you are miserable. You may get the urge to feel worse. Be alarmed.
Allow broken relationships to live your life. Don’t hesitate to deter your ex from thriving. Snoop. Stalk. Sleep with the person.
Fall into the trap of connection and affection. Feel more bonded. Be especially awful. Cut yourself. Dramatically setting fires, run.
Allow the grieving process to make things too difficult. Spend another day lying around. Feel resentful of yourself.
Give yourself a chance to seek that person out again. Reestablish enough mutual respect so that the two of you can get slapped.
Force yourself on the dating scene. Become engaged to a one-night stand.
Regret every decision. Understand that you are somehow unworthy of being loved.
Take a shower. Comb your hair. Extend your arm to shake hands. Accept that once something is gone, it’s gone for good. There is no magic.
Note: This is a found text, mostly abstracted from the wikiHow article “How to Get Over Someone You Love (with pictures),” and mixed with some phrases drawn from Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche’s book Mindfulness in Action and a few words from a Web MD article on depression..
Jennifer Wortman’s work appears in Glimmer Train, Normal School, DIAGRAM, The Collagist, SmokeLong Quarterly, Hobart, and elsewhere. She is an associate fiction editor at Colorado Review and an instructor at Lighthouse Writers Workshop. Find more at www.jenniferwortman.com.