I conducted this interview with Hugh Dutchman. He lives in the closet under the stairs of Leonardo DiCaprio’s house. He is an aspiring actor.
What was the last major role you played in?
Well, I was in a movie with Natalie Portman. Black Swan. I’m not sure if you’ve seen it. If you pause two minutes into the lesbian sex scene you can see me in the mirror. I was actually nominated for a Spirit Award for it. I was beat out by Ariel Arlington for her performance in one of the new Twilight series.
Do you have an agent?
Yes, a man actually found me. I don’t know how. He saw my performance in a little indie film I had done. He hunted me down and is working on getting me into the next Johnny Depp movie.
Where do you spend your time when you’re not acting?
Well, I like to go out to restaurants and meet up with my fellow ghosts. We take over the souls of unknowing hipsters. They think it’s the wine that gets them all loopy. They are none the wiser. We finally get to feel again, too. And eat. My favorite place is this little authentic Italian place in Hollywood. We see a lot of famous ghosts there. I met Casper once, and Patrick Swayze.
What is your dream role?
Well, I would really like to be in a movie that changes society. You know, something with great controversy that will raise awareness for all of the mistreated ghosts. An old friend of mine was in the movie Ghost Busters. I told him not to. I told him this movie would just make our people become rogues. He was only interested in the fame. It was a bad day for all ghosts.
How long have you been a ghost?
That’s a very good question. Once you no longer have a ticking time bomb of a body, you really stop keeping track of time. Sometimes you only know four years have passed if there’s a new president in the white house. I have a terrible memory, though. Considering I don’t really have a tangible mind, my memories seem to slip through the cracks. I don’t remember much. There are bits and pieces that I do recall. I remember having a wife. And a child. I can’t recall much other than the fact that my son was a musician and my wife remarried shortly after my death for an income.
What is your dream vacation?
Well, life kind of is a vacation for me right now. You know when you’re sitting at your desk at work and all you can think of is the months, weeks, hours, minutes until the next vacation? I can up and leave whenever I feel like it. Board any plane to anywhere. If I want a really nice vacation, I follow someone like Peter Jackson around sometimes even take over his body so I can eat all of the gourmet food. It’s funny, people say celebrities lose their minds the more famous they get, but really us ghosts are just selfish and sometimes we spend a little too much time trying to be human. Once you’re no longer human, though, you start to see everything that’s wrong with humanity. You see the little things you never saw before. You can see people with their doors closed, you know. The missing pieces all come together. The mystery dissolves.
Do you miss human interaction?
Sometimes, on my off days I catch myself getting lonely. When I see a couple walking down the street and he’s got his hand on her ass or some people are fucking with the blinds open at a five star hotel. Sometimes I miss the way being human makes you careless. You know, humans like to show the world how callous they are. How they don’t really give a fuck. How they could live or die at any instant and be alright. But, having done both, I can tell you. I much prefer to be dead. Those emotions are too heavy. They make you crazy. Sometimes I have an urge that’s almost a reminder that I used to feel. They’re like phantom emotions. Those are days I don’t leave my cupboard. Those are the days I feel most human. And those are the days I try to forget.
Interview by Myrtle Timid. Myrtle spends most of her time hunting down the latest story. Her journalism is known for focusing on the supernatural. Even though she has been approached by the National Enquirer, she claims all of her stories are true and some have actually been proven.