Tips for Lovers (Part One)

As a worldly, experienced curmudgeon, I happen to be irresistible to women. Frankly, I’m not sure why this is, but it may be a combination of my rugged physique, chiseled features, the fact that I am a celebrated fighter pilot, and my highly sophisticated ability to spin falsehoods.

Because of my extensive experience in the world of females and due to the fact that I was absurdly successful in these endeavors, I have generously decided to share my wealth of knowledge with all the would-be Romeos who patronize Five 2 One. No need to thank me! Knowing that I was single-handedly responsible for bringing success to the dating lives of hapless men everywhere is reward enough. (Although if you simply must repay me, I prefer cash.)

STAGE ONE: The Planning

It is important to plan your efforts carefully, unless you are an expert at winging it in the presence of beautiful babes. I happen to be adept and can therefore afford to freestyle. In the early stages of your training, however, having a plan can save you valuable time and Humiliation Points, known as HPs. HPs are valuable currency and you’ll want to hoard up as many HPs as possible for use in the first five years of marriage.

The most vital aspect of Stage One, and the one we’ll be looking at first, is The Outfit™. Many men overlook this part, and assume they can simply toss on some old duds and swagger down to the local meet-n-greet. No, young’un. You must prepare carefully. Let’s take your underwear, for example. Not literally, you imbecile! Put those back on! Ahem. Now, as I was saying: Droopy long-johns are not acceptable. In fact, long-johns are not acceptable, period. My advice is to go out and purchase a brand new pack of briefs just for the occasion. They should be a solid color (fuchsia is preferred among the vast majority of women, according to a major poll the name of which currently escapes me) and should fit as snugly as possible. How snugly, you ask? Well, if your voice doesn’t rise at least a full octave after putting them on, then they’re still too loose and you should purchase a smaller size.

Now, don’t assume by the above advice that I am assuming you will make such a positive impression on the lady in question that she will request to inspect your undergarments upon first meeting. This is rare, and generally only happens to those of us highly skilled in the art. However, it’s important to increase your own self-confidence in any way possible. Furthermore, research has shown that voices higher in pitch have a better chance of cutting through all that annoying ambient bar noise. Besides, there is always the possibility something untoward will occur that will force you to exhibit said garments against your will.

For example, let’s say you are leaning on the bar, awaiting your order of sarsaparilla, when a stunning example of feminine wiles flows into the room on a breath of heady—yet tastefully applied—perfume. Every man in the place, including you, will immediately suck in his stomach and expand his chest. The sudden decrease in waist size could, shall we say, lead to a sudden, massive expenditure of Humiliation Points. If you’re also wearing a lousy pair of skivvies, you may as well go home right away.

The rest of The Outfit™ is not as important as the previous, but it has its place. You should plan according to the establishment. For example, you never want to wear a tuxedo to Bingo Night, but they are entirely appropriate for most other occasions, including mini-golf and horseshoe tournaments.

To Be Continued…

Craig A. Hart writes shit. Sometimes it’s less shitty. Sometimes he thinks it might be good shit. He is the stay-at-home father of twin boys, has served as editor-in-chief for The Rusty Nail literary magazine and as manager for Sweatshoppe Media. He is the host of the Raw Writing Podcast. He lives in Iowa City with his wife, sons, and two cats. You can visit his personal website at: craigahart.com.