Tips for Lovers Part II

by Craig A. Hart

Continued. Read Part One here.

STAGE TWO: The Arrival

This is a tricky routine to get down, but once it is mastered, can spell success in even the toughest crowds. You want to arrive in style, but not so grandly it is assumed you are unapproachable. You want to make a statement, but not too loudly.

Limousines are definitely out. They say, “Admire me, ladies, but stay back. I’ve got a harem waiting at my suite.” You don’t want that. No, you don’t. Personally, I feel a carefully timed arrival via unicycle is a good way to go. Just be sure to knot up the tail of your tuxedo prior to the trip, in order to avoid getting it caught in the spokes. Nothing’s uncooler (except saying “uncooler”) than arriving at your destination wearing a raggedy tuxedo. Bad form, mate.

Upon arrival, bring your unicycle to a screeching halt in front of the establishment and pay the nearest homeless person a quarter to park it. They will steal it, but that is a small price to pay for this incredible image you are creating.

Next, wait at the front door for someone to notice The Outfit™, recognize your superiority, and open the door for you. If this doesn’t happen within ten minutes, unknot the tail of your tuxedo.

Once inside, take your time before getting a seat or standing in line for a sandwich. See, most people get uncomfortable when walking into a new place. They think everyone is looking at them and want to immediately blend in. No, you must stand out. To do this, simply stand in the doorway for a minute or two and gaze around the room indifferently. Once everyone has shaken their head and looked away, go ahead and sit down.

STAGE THREE: The Hunt

It’s important not to appear “on the hunt.” So taking a shotgun with you is really frowned upon. Unless you live in Texas, in which case, go ahead. You don’t want to appear backward. After considerable practice, you will begin to master the art of being casual, while still exuding a smoldering sexuality no woman can resist. And, no, setting your hair on fire will not help. Tried that. Ouch. Stupid woman beat my head with a Pomeranian.

Anyway, enough of these sordid memories.

Sit around the bar/coffeehouse/restaurant/wherever the hell you are, until a specimen catches your eye. Then grab her by the hair and drag her back to your cave, where you shall ply her with raisin bran until she agrees to give you want you want. Yes! A foot massage!

No, wait, that’s my tip for the Truly Desperate. You should not do that. At least, not right away. First, you should make eye contact. She’ll probably glance away immediately, as people are apt to do when actually looking a stranger in the eye, but don’t do the same. Keeping looking, not staring. If she looks up again, you’ve got her.

STAGE FOUR: The Kill

After a couple more glances, try smiling. Not a large, toothy grin, but a “Hi, my name’s Balderdash. Can I sit there?” smile. If she smiles back, even a little, rise from your chair and walk over. She will probably throw scalding coffee on…you, but she’s merely being coy. Ignore this behavior and sit down quickly.

You should engage in small talk. Be interested in her and don’t talk about yourself within the first fifteen minutes. Unless she brings it up. In which case, lie like crazy.

Once you have dazzled her with your exploits (none of which should include other women, by the way), tell her you’ve enjoyed the evening, but that you have an early appointment at Carnegie Hall and really must go. Ask for her phone number.

Call her within two days, if you want. Otherwise, cut up the number with a pair of dull shears, because now, you can have all the women you want. You’re welcome.