August 28, 2016
Five Micro Poems by Emily Blair | #thesideshow
August 29, 2016

Musings of a Premature Curmudgeon # 13 The Fucking News

Craig A. Hart

THE FUCKING NEWS

Greetings to all you black-hearted degenerates. It’s your lovable curmudgeon back for another Monday of absolute debauchery. What else are Mondays good for, after all? Nobody gets any work done, because we all feel too shitty. So you just sit there in your office or cubicle and try to make the hours go by quicker by sneaking in a little NSFW web surfing. You might as well work on extending your stay in Purgatory. Because that’s how it works, right? The sinner with the longest stay in Purgatory gets a prize or something. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere.

With your Monday sanity in mind, I now bring you a new feature on the column: The Fucking News. This is where I bring you the news you most need to know about, and provide a little commentary along the way, just to make sure someone gets offended. I may or may not provide all the facts of the news items, I may or may not make up certain elements to make the stories more interesting. Also, I make no pretense of impartiality. I’m a modern journalist, after all. With that being said, here is this week’s news.

  1. So yesterday was Topless Day, which meant that women in cities around the world marched in order to bring attention to gender inequality. Namely, that men are allowed to parade around shirtless and without having to place Xs on their nipples. I wholeheartedly support this movement and believe that the stigma so many topless women face should be eradicated from our culture. If a woman wants to be topless, then by God’s Holy Nipple, she should be encouraged to do so. What I don’t get are the people opposing this movement. Why? How dare you? It seems like a win-win. Women get to throw off yet another chain of oppression and people get to see other people’s tits.
  1. An idiot in the United Kingdom has submerged himself in a bathtub full of hot sauce, including dunking his head and devouring a red chili. This senseless, moronic, asinine  stunt was performed by a YouTuber whose specialty, apparently, is discovering 1,000 ways to burn off your own flesh. We can only hope the chili destroyed any possibility of this individual reproducing. Otherwise, the human race is doomed. If you’d like to view the entire video of this obscene lunacy, you may do so at this link: https://youtu.be/HO78wvoL_cc

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  1. A beheaded voodoo doll and the disfigured carcass of a lizard were discovered in front of the police station in Tybee Island, Georgia. Some are concerned that the objects suggest a curse being placed upon the police and their efforts to maintain law and order. Others believe it is simply the scene of a vicious struggle between a voodoo doll and a lizard, a conflict that ended with the combatants killing one another. Captain Stone of the Tybee Island Police Department found the evidence out on the sidewalk in front of the police station early on Sunday morning.

“This here’s a nice little item,” he say. “Imma take this home and see iffen my woman kin fix it. Then I kin give it to my daughter fer Christmas.”

When asked if he was at all worried about giving a voodoo doll to his daughter, Captain Stone looked shocked and said,

“Hell, I was talkin’ about the lizard. No, I ain’t gonna give her thet doll. That there dolly is nasty!”

 

VoodooDoll

 


13287913_1714752288780293_197827863_oCraig A. Hart writes shit. Sometimes it’s less shitty. Sometimes he thinks it might be good shit. He is the stay-at-home father of twin boys, has served as editor-in-chief for The Rusty Nail literary magazine and as manager for Sweatshoppe Media. He is the host of the Raw Writing Podcast. He lives in Iowa City with his wife, sons, and two cats. You can visit his personal website at: craigahart.com.