Kyle Hemmings
Arthur Lee’s Tangerine by Kyle Hemmings | flash fiction | #thesideshow
October 3, 2016
Glen Armstrong
October 4, 2016

Musings of a Premature Curmudgeon| The Curmudgeon Goes Berserk | Craig A. Hart

The Curmudgeon Goes Berserk

Okay, it’s time for the curmudgeon to get real. He’s had a shitty week and he’s the type of quality guy who takes his frustrations out on the most convenient targets. And that just happens to be you, mofos!

Why am I so frustrated? A great number of things, including but not limited to: children, the elderly, the middle-aged, millennials, teenagers. Ooo! I think I’ve figured it out! People are my general problem!

Specifically, however, it’s politics. This election is robbing me of all my joy. I cannot remember an election cycle that was so absurdly, fucking obnoxious. Mostly because of people. And how stupid they are. And that brings up the real talk I mentioned.

Look, if you think Donald Trump is a quality candidate, you’re fucking insane. If you think Hillary Clinton is a quality alternative to Trump, you’re fucking insane. If you think Gary Johnson and Jill Stein are quality candidates…guess what? You’re fucking insane.


What it comes down to is that we are faced with a non-choice. And yet…and YET…people are carrying on as if they can seriously, fully support any of these candidates. It truly blows this curmudgeon’s mind. I can sort of (sort of) understand choosing the least of the evils, but there are actually people for whom one of these candidates would be a first choice. Imagine this brand of lunacy! It reminds me of the uber-religious folks of my youth, who would believe just about any nonsense, as long as it meant believing in something. Because, you know, believing in nothing made them uncomfortable. It was scary. But let me tell you, these candidates are nothing to believe in. And I cry foul.

So, yes. Politics is pissing me off. And further, the lack of perspective within politics is just fucking asinine. I see it constantly on social media (yes, you smug bastards, I know how to turn on a computer and navigate to both Facefuck and Tit-tweak, or whatever the shit they’re called). People think their gleet-like candidate is all good and the other candidates are all bad. They will believe ANYTHING bad about the other candidates and NOTHING bad about their own. They choose to visit “news” sources that only support their point of view, so as not to risk reading something that might—oh no!—challenge their viewpoint.

Frankly, I’m fucking over it. In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re all on our own. Neither Trump nor Hillary will help. Trump is too busy calling people names on Twitter and pretending to pay his taxes, and Hillary is too busy avoiding questions about her emails and monumentally corrupt foundation. And if this paragraph offends you, get the fuck over it, because I didn’t make any of it up. And if you didn’t know any of this, then you haven’t been paying nearly enough attention.

As I said, I can sort of understand choosing the least of the evils, but it really doesn’t matter. That’s sort of like being fucked in the ass with a wine bottle and saying, “Hey, thanks for not using that cactus like you said you were going to!” No. You shouldn’t have raped me in the ass at all, thank you very much. I will take a pass on all ass raping, m’kay? No. Fucking. Ass rapings.

Someone should put that on a bumper sticker.

So, yeah. Go out and vote for whomever you please; that is your right as a citizen. But don’t pretend you did something good for the country, because you didn’t.

Now get the hell out of my way. I need a fucking drink.