We received Caroline’s request to remove all dogs from our forthcoming films because any time one is onscreen she is crippled with worry that the plot will march them towards death. We also received her secondary request to digitally alter our back catalog of films so that each dog killed is instead a large cockroach or millipede.
Unfortunately, while we are sympathetic to her ceaseless crusade, plots sometimes necessitate the death of dogs. Of cats. Of koala bears. Of hedgehogs.
It breeds emotion. Plots thrive on it.
Unfortunately, while we are sympathetic to her unending crusade—the likes of which we have not seen since the eleventh century—millipedes and large cockroaches have equally vocal fanbases.
On a personal note, all of us here have a deep love for animals. Our screenwriters, especially, who are stubborn and aching, need that companionship.
The plots kill to pull at our puppet strings, Caroline.
On a personal note, I have a dog. He hides under my bed when it thunders. I worry that when a tornado comes through I won’t be able to get him out of there and he’ll be taken into the sky, along with the second floor of my rather expensive home.
Enclosed is a list of our upcoming films and the exact time stamp where the plot determines a dog must die.
Shut your eyes, Caroline.
Title – HH:MM:SS:MS
Margaret Dreaming – 01:23:12:09
The Lost Seer – 00:49:30:02
The April Fools – 02:03:13:04
The Lost Seer: Untitled Sequel – 00:48:29:02
The Lost Seer: Untitled Spin-off – 00:00:01 and 01:02:17
Untitled Cinematic Universe – 05:19:22
The Lost Seer: Untitled Conclusion – 00:00:00
Failed Award Bait – 00:15:00:43
Last Film Before the Merger. Before Our Death—01:09:00
First Film After We Are Born Anew—01:09:00
Nick Perilli is a freelance writer and musician living in Philadelphia with a canary. He graduated from Arcadia University’s MFA in Creative Writing program with humans. Work of his can be found in Maudlin House, Between Worlds, and Empyreome Magazine.