I don’t remember how long I been sitting here. I vaguely remember getting up to take a dump, but that might a been yesterday. I’m on episode one hundred thirty-eight of Criminal Minds. This month I’m watching detective shows and crime dramas, you know, like 24 and Dexter. Last month it was science fiction. There’s a bonanza of Dr. Who episodes. I got it all planned out, if you know what I mean.
I bought one a ‘em little refrigerators, the kind like they put in motel rooms these days. I took the shelves out so I can stack more beer in it. If I arrange it just right I can almost get two cases in. Got a great deal on Old Milwaukee couple weeks back and practically bought the liquor store out. Have it all stacked behind my La-Z-Boy so I can grab me a warm twelve pack and restock, keep it circulating, if you know what I mean.
I got the pizza dude on speed dial. Yeah, Justin, that’s his name, brings ‘em right in for me, don’t even have ta get up outta my chair. How awesome is that? Wish he would take back the empties; they’re kinda stacking up, if you know what I mean.
Yup, got the perfect little man-cave going on here. Now I only got ta get up ta take a crap. Just between you and me, found me a jug ta put next ta my La-Z-Boy. I keep a lid on it. Wouldn’t want ta kick it over accidental, if you know what I mean.
Ran out of sick leave so I went ahead and took my vacation days. Just don’t feel much like getting up outta the ol’ recliner. Not much point ta it. I got me shit-ton of House episodes ta watch. Don’t need ta go nowhere. Everything I need is within arm’s reach, if you know what I mean.
I’m a huge fan of Netflix and the internet is pretty cool, but the best thing about the World Wide Web is that you can buy anything online, anytime, and it is delivered right ta your door. Ta your door! I don’t go anywhere anymore. Don’t got ta. Can do most everything online; pay bills, buy food, watch anything on-demand. Amazon is the most awesome invention ever. Did you know they deliver Pringles? I hate Walmart, if you know what I mean.
I ain’t been in my bedroom in three, four weeks. The recliner is a whole lot more comfortable than that lumpy piece of shit mattress. Don’t use the kitchen much, never did. Not much of a cook and I hate washing dishes. That’s why I call Justin. Whole lot easier. Never have ta get outta the chair, if you know what I mean.
It’s been a long time since I smelt fresh air. Ain’t nothing fresh about me. Really ought ta shower but I don’t want ta miss my show. Yeah, I know I can pause it, but I can’t find my remote. Think it might be hiding in my chair, but it’s hard ta raise my ass high enough ta feel around, if you know what I mean.
Something smells funny. Like ass. I don’t know, maybe it’s mold. Hell might be my ass. Been a while since I took anything more than a whore’s bath. Still waiting for the nurse ta come over and give me my sponge bath, if you know what I mean.
Yesterday I thought about getting the mail but couldn’t think of one good reason ta do it. Besides I’m too tired. It’s weird how the hours go by so quick and so slow at the same time. Slept for sixteen hours last night. Don’t know how that’s even possible. It’s not like I exert myself or anything, if you know what I mean.
Not sure what time of day it is. Everything is kinda gray outside. Think I’ll go back to sleep, if you know what I mean.