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#thesideshow March 4th 2016 The Pitch by Frederick Foote, Jr.-

The Pitch

by Fredrick Foote Jr.

A smoggy, hot, LA morning in the parking lot waiting for Eckerd to arrive and here he is right on time. Eckerd’s driver/bodyguard eyes me with suspicion as he opens the limo door for Eckerd.

“Hey, Eck. Three words, Maid in China.”

“Jesus, Kermit, It’s ten am. I had a rough night. I got a pain in the ass boss. My job is in jeopardy and the first appointment in my day is you. It’s going to be a shitty day.”

“Maid—“

“I heard you, Kermit. ‘Made in China.’ Every fucking thing is made in China. What kind of pitch is that?”

I grab Eck’s arm. “Eck, m-a-i-d, maid in China—“

“Who gives a fuck about a Chinese maid. I thought you had—“

“A maiden, a made in China maiden, maid, a full-time maid, but a part-time, pretend vampire.”

“Shit! That is awful. God… vampires are so decades ago. I thought… what is a part-time, pretend vampire anyway?”

“See, her sister is a real vampire, but her day job is exhausting so the vampire sister has her maid sister pose as a vampire. Standing in for her mixing with the goblins, ghouls, werewolves—“

“What? What, a vampire with a day job? What about that sunshine shit?”

“The vampire sister is a coal miner and—“

“I’m not interested. Get lost Kermit. Why would a vampire be working in a coal mine? It makes no sense.”

“The coal miner sister is saving for a sex change operation and—“

Eck stops and grabs my tie, and not in a gentle manner. “You’re wasting my time and your life, Kermit.”

“Eck, check this out. The girl’s father is a big time industrialist, and he’s having dinner with his family in Watts—“

“In Watts? In Watts? What the fuck is a Chinese, a wealthy Chinese family doing in Watts?”

“Well, glad you asked. See, you already into it. The father is married to this Beyoncé looking sister who is a world class Formula 1 race car driver and—“

“Kermit, go, go before I hurt you.”

“So, at dinner, for his mother-in-law’s birthday, the father reveals that he just purchased fifty-one percent of MGM.”

“I’m gagging—“

“And he’s going to do the Hammer horror film kinda movies—“

“Oh, Kermit, you are pitiful absolutely—“

“Now, check this out, he flies the whole family to LA to check out the makeup and special effects for the movie monsters—“

“Kermit, never, ever call me again—“

“And, next week back in China, the maid brings some real ghouls, vampires, werewolves to visit her father and he is blown away.”

“Kermit, if you ever cross my path again I will blow you away.”

“So the maid gets to cast all the monster roles. On the film set, she and the insurance representative, a real straight arrow white guy, fall for each other and the story revolves around their romance and her madcap family. I see Matt Damon—“

“Kermit, Kermit forget my number. Never call me again. Kermit, I’m changing my number.”

“Eck, man, I’m giving you first shot. Asians is the new demographic and, and the kicker is there are no stereotype martial arts, none at all. I mean this is PG13 gold—“

Shit! Eckerd gives me the finger as he enters his office building. Well, you win some. You lose some.

###

Thirty minutes later my phone rings.

“Hey, Eck, you were so wrong—“

“Kermit, Kermit, listen. The boss stepped into my office, and I was telling him about your project—he fucking loves it. The fucker actually patted me on the back. He believes it’s the best pitch he’s heard in the last three years. I love you, Kermit. You have saved my ass. You the man.”

“Eck—“

“Where are you, buddy? I’ll send my car. We got—“

“Eck, it’s too late.”

“Late, late, hey, it’s not even eleven—“

“Jet Li and Jackie Chan just send me an option guarantee. They love the story—“

“Kermit, Kermit look I may have been a little harsh, but we go way back. I’m going to get you more money—“

“Eckerd, I’m not trying to drive up the price. They love it, man. And, and check this out, Jackie said I would be listed as an Assistant Producer—“

“Kermit, don’t bullshit me—“

“Hey, check out Variety.com. There’s a blurb on it—“

“NO! No, Shit, no. I’m so fucking screwed. Forty years in the business, over, just like that.“

“Eck—“

“Kermit, you son-of-a-bitch, you, you… I’m fucking dead… I’m sixty-two years old. I’ll be sacked before lunch… fuck.”

“Eck, Eckerd, look, I’m sorry, but I came to you first, right?”

“Fuck you Kermit.”

“Eck, listen, check this out. Sherlock Holmes—“

“Holmes has been done to death just like my career.”

“Eck, Watson and Holmes are lesbian lovers—“

“What?”

“Holmes is Latina and Watson is Korean and Nigerian. Eck, the demographics are key. The arch enemies are the twin Moriarty brothers and—“

“Kermit, it all sounds off the wall—“

The Moriarty brothers are lovers—“

“Incest? That is over the top—“

“OK, I was just trying to help you, throw you a life line. I sent this to Cus Vansant and—“

“That asshole wouldn’t know a quality property—“

“Yeah, you right. I got to go. Cus is calling—“

“Wait, wait, fuck Cus. We’ll take Holmes.”

“Eck, are you sure? You already hanging out there—“

“Anything else I should know about Holmes?”

“Well, the Moriarty’s are just your normal cross dressing little people and–“

“Sounds terrific. When can you get here? I love you man. Who do you have in mind for Holmes and Watson?”


 

Frederick K. Foote, Jr. was born in Sacramento, California and educated in Vienna, Virginia, and northern California. He started writing short stories and poetry in 2013.  He has published over eighty stories and poems including literary, science fiction, fables and horror genres. A collection of Frederick’s short stories, For the Sake of Soul was published in October 2015 by Blue Nile Press. Another collection of short stories, Crossroads Encounters, is scheduled for publication in March 2016 by Choose the Sword Press.